Ten Things to Look Out for When Dating
Dating for me has been difficult since my divorce a few years back. It's new, and sometimes, hurts like hell. Add in that I have a disability that sometimes hampers my efforts and quite often carries a stigma, I'm bit handicapped in the process. I try not to get discouraged. Below is a list of stuff to watch out for when attempting to find love.
*note: None of the below is regarding any recent dating attempts, except maybe number 8. Following that, I decided to take the next year off to better myself.
10. Drama Out of the Gate
Emotions are difficult to process sometimes. We say stuff we wish we could take back, or had taken the time to process longer before letting our emotions get the best of us. If you are constantly being triggered by an emotion by another person you are dating, it's always best to ask them if that was intentional, or accidental. Too many misunderstanding happen, and feelings get hurt. If they are in fact, dramatic, consider someone else. Seriously.
9. A Victim Mentality
Are there people that are victims in circumstances? Yes, I do believe there are. But if someone has been wronged in most of their past relationships, you should really ponder if that is a trait. Has that person ever looked in the mirror at themselves? These types of people never take responsibility for their actions. When i stopped holding out to awful things that have happened in my life, I started being more happy. I'm certainly not living a rainbows-and-sunshines white picket fence life, but I hold onto the idea we can all find our personal happiness through overcoming adverse events in life.
8. Fear of Intimacy
This one is a bit hard for me to discuss, because it's my own personal one that I struggle with. I've been ghosted on, and I've ghosted other people. I took a hard look at myself recently following a failure, and I've noticed a pattern. I start to get interested in a person, and then I panic, and run away, usually sabotaging whatever was forming, often having that person forever hating me in the process. It seems to happen unconsciously, and there some opportunities I wish I could get a do-over on, but I wouldn't even know how to begin the reconciliation process to make that happen. It makes no sense that I worked on bombs in the military, yet run when a girl starts getting to know me. It's bonkers. I think maybe it is tied into my adrenaline somehow, but i haven't quite figured it out yet.
7. Poor Communication Skills
Communication is important to make a relationship work. I've been in instances where a person stops communicating. I don't really know how to respond to that, other than to move on and take it as a sign that they really were not that interested in the first place. If you don't communicate that you are upset, or somebody should have known better not to do this, that, or the other, you are in for more pain from more failed relationships. Silent treatment in some instances is considered a form of emotional abuse. If I even get a whiff of this brewing, I run the other direction. the damage, psychologically, hurts way too much.
6. Attention Seeking Behavior
We've all met someone like this in our lives. For me, its usually fairly obvious. in One instance a girl had booty-gram pictures posted with some inspirational quotes, not blocking her cheeks. Hot or not, blocked her upon discovery. Sometimes these types of people can be more subtle in their attempts for attention, so be on the lookout. if you can't keep a guy or girl happy without the validation strokes from others outside the relationship, there is potential for them to cheat down the road. Personally, i think the less social media person has, the better. I also don't wanna see my Facebook feed fill up with blue apron recipes.
5. Emotional Vampires
These people are difficult to keep up with. Sometimes you may feel a lot of pressure, but other times it could be simple miscommunication in the early stages. I think I'm guilty as every other person as passing judgement in the early stages, and have probably attributed someone as too much work or too much energy in certain cases, and have potentially missed out on some great opportunities. Typically, these individuals drain the energy out of every person that come in contact with. So when it doubt, determine if you're just in a bad mood for the day, or this person is constantly draining you with subsequent interactions.
4. Gossips About People
IF this person is sharing lots of people's secrets when you meet, what do you think they are going to say about you when you are no longer in their life? Probably everything that you told them, amplified. Be careful sharing information with this type of person, it will be used against you in the future if things don't work out.
3. They Hate Their Ex
If there is still a lot of anger directed towards their ex, there is a possibly that will be transferred to you, simply because they haven't taken the time to process the pain attached. They need to rediscover being single, so disappear for awhile if you just don't want a hookup, because that's all that will likely happen, and you'll be left feeling like a used rebound.
2. The Clingy Type
These people can be downright scary. I try to Keep an open mind, though, and realize there is a difference between people just being happy about meeting someone versus like going full-blown "i have copies of your divorce court papers, i know every single job you've worked based on your LinkedIn profile, and that speeding ticket you got in 1996, what was that about?" mode. I think scoping someone's profile and maybe running a background check is a bit extreme, but I've seen people do weirder stuff. I'm sure I've done my share of wacky over the years. I guess you just have to decide what's an acceptable limit. When I was on tinder, i would have chicks that would add me on Facebook, and I thought nothing of it. If I were to attempt that though, it would more than likely appear odd, and not in a good way. I think there's some gender bias in this process, and for good reasons.
1. Scorched Earth
I can think of a couple of times I've gone full nuclear option on a dating scenario, and typically I never talk to those people ever again. There have been a few times where we've made amends, but at least one that commonly comes to my mind that I'll never have the opportunity to repair, at least to the level of friends, will always haunt me. If you nuke every relationship in your life, you may end up lonely later on.
Be careful, stay safe, and happy hunting on finding love.